Thursday, November 27, 2014

Turkey Day

Thanksgiving is our first big holiday without him.
Texas & TCU are playing.
TCU is winning.
I have mixed feelings about that.

I want Austin to know I had a lot of great memories in Texas. I want to take him to the places I loved most in Dallas & Fort Worth. I want to show him the house he came home to & seminary where he & I spent so much time swimming in the indoor pool.  I want to show him the school where ladies loved on him when he was a tiny baby.

Sometimes I find myself baffled at how things have played out. The most frustrating part is that there is no explanation. He didn't want what he promised in marriage. He just left us & moved out with me pregnant trying to potty train Austin.  It's just really terrible.

Now Austin & I are trying to work through all of this. It's grief. It's sadness. Its anger. & frustration. Its trying to teach Austin what's right when a lot of things that we have experienced aren't right. It's trying to create a new exciting normal.

Khloe. Sweet Khloe. She loves my dad. "G-Da" She loves my mom. She loves her brother. She is doing well at school. She is ours & we are so thankful God gave us Khloe in the midst of all the ugly.

Today is Thanksgiving.
It was a good day.
We ate a lot. We rested. Desserts were yummy.  Attitudes were good.
Thankful for my two children, my family, & good memories.

Sunday, September 28, 2014

Our week

I met my friends from life group at Panera Thursday night. I got a free smoothie, a small Mac & cheese, & a scone for breakfast. Yummy. Then I picked up the kids & went to bed. I was asleep before 8pm.

Wednesday night austin went to the clubhouse, Khloe to the nursery  & I went to DivorceCare. Wednesday nights everyone is tired & the trash can is waiting for me to take it out to the street even in my pajamas. The trash men come at 6am on Thursday. Ugh.

Friday Austin comes home from an afternoon with his dad & gets a bath. My parents bring us BBQ & Austin eats a bite of BBQ but eats 4 go-gurts instead. Then he got a stomach ache.

Saturday Austin got up before the sun but went back to bed until 7. After a morning with his dad he took a long nap.  Khloe & I got lots of chores done at home. We played until bedtime.

Sunday Austin put a puzzle together on the kitchen floor while I ironed our clothes. Khloe wished she could be crawling around, but played in her crib until I was done ironing. Church was great. Mom made another amazing lunch. Austin didn't nap so we all went to Sears & Lowes to look at appliances for 'the grey house'.  Austin requested Pizza Hut so we had breadsticks & a half pepperoni half sausage pizza for dinner. Then we did bath time, read a book & early to bed.

My life is wild I tell ya. 

Sunday, September 14, 2014

Productive Saturday

Woke up
Piled in the car
Got doughnuts
Fed Khloe
Rearranged Austin's room
Bought clothes at The Kids Market
Lunch with my mom & kids
Quick run to grocery store
Nap for A
Made muffins
Ate dinner
Gave Khloe a bath
Gave austin a bath
Read a bedtime book
Tucked both in
Shower & bed for me..

Makes me tired just reading it.

Sunday, September 07, 2014

That grey house

A: we going to that grey house?
Me: no buddy it's stinky & it needs work (new floors, paint)

A:can we sleep there tonight?
Me: no buddy it's not ours yet.

A:is Jesus in that grey house?
Me:yes buddy he's all over that house.

Me: I gotta go to work buddy to make money.
A: to pay for that grey house?

Can you tell someone is itching to move??
I am too. It cannot come soon enough!!

You can see the grey house here. 

Monday, September 01, 2014

First of September

Hey there.

Long time no blogging.

Happy September!

Well I got a job! Woo!

Getting up early, putting on work clothes, taking care of my family. God has answered my prayers. Working with 3 nice ladies. There are a million things to do. The most important get done first.

Still have lots of emotions. Lots of frustration.

I would like to punch someone in the throat frustration.

But I would never do that - only in self defense. Ha.

Lots of time spent wondering why, but there is no answer. Behavior like I've seen is down right pathetic.

Ready to be out of this tiny rental house. Ready to make new & better memories.
Ready to stop being so dang frustrated but it's a process. One that I hope I will climb out of quickly.

I read this on FB tonight & thought it hit home. Things that have happened to me are so UNFAIR I want to scream, but I'm holding onto Gods promise that He has a future & a hope for us

"Dear T,

You told me the truth today. Thank you for that. You told me how hard it all is, how tired and afraid and lonely you are. You told me that once again - he hasn’t paid the damn child support. You cried and said, “My babies deserve better. My babies deserve a family.” I heard you when you said that. I heard you. And I heard you when you told me the story about being on the playground yesterday next to a father pushing his baby girl. And how you raged inside as he tickled her and she giggled. About how you looked over at the wife on the bench and marveled at how safe in the world she seemed to feel. And how you watched your fatherless little girl watch them and you wondered if she was wondering: what good thing did they do to deserve a daddy? Because that’s what you were wondering.

And I listened hard and quiet and then I told you it was just all so damn unfair. And I told you that your babies are two of the most precious people I’ve ever known. And that you are, too. And that you are too, damnit. And that none of it makes a lick of sense. That you just got dealt a bad, bad hand.

But what I didn’t tell you- because it wasn’t the right time- because maybe it’s never the right time- was that many of my favorite people on Earth are the ones that had unfair childhoods. What I didn’t say to you is that many of the most joyful, grateful, ALIVE people I know are the ones who graduated from that crappy unfair school your babies are attending. What I didn’t say is that right now, somewhere down deep in my bones, I BELIEVE, T- that you are paying the price for their adulthood joy. I KNOW that they are going to be joy- filled adults. I just do. And so I wanted to listen and honor your pain but I also wanted to yell at the top of my lungs: THEY ARE GOING TO BE OKAY! THEY ARE GOING TO BE MORE THAN OKAY- BECAUSE THEIR MAMA IS A WARRIOR. THEY ARE GOING TO BE AMAZING BECAUSE THEIR MAMA IS A MIGHTY RELENTLESS HOPEFUL GENTLE FIERCE WARRIOR. Because they’re gonna be okay. Spring is coming for them. And for you. Spring is always coming. Keep them warm during the winter. That’s all we can do and Thank God, that is enough." Glennon Melton Momastery

Monday, July 21, 2014

End of July! How is that possible?

My mom found a deal with a photographer last week.  
Look at her pretty backyard!

I put an offer on a house.
I'm still looking for a job.
Austin starts K4 in a month.

Thursday, July 03, 2014

Old School Austin


Foot Tickles

This little guy

This little guy made me a Mama.
He and I are both feeling the frustration of our new life.
I love him.
He is avoiding nap this week.
I took all of his toys out of his room so he will know his room is for sleep.
His new tactic to avoiding sleep is telling me "I need to go poo poo.  I need to go tt."
Even if he's already gone.
Yesterday - all during nap time - every 15 min, "Mama, I need to go poo poo. I need to go tt."
I think when he starts sleeping late (in about 10 years) I'm going to wake him up at 7am and tell him I need to go tt.
Then I'll wake him up at 8am and tell him I need to go poo poo.
Just kidding.
He'll understand when he has kids of his own.

This weekend we are celebrating July 4th the way it should be celebrated.
I can't wait!